What In Gay Hell?

What in gay Hell??
I am convinced that I have reached my peak of worst dates. The worst date o'meter has spiked to its highest reading possible and nothing shall ever compare or match up to it ever again for at least three generations, my daughter, her daughter and her daughter's daughter.

So I am not sure why but I still have a myspace account AND about 80 people a week view my blog, apparently my life is entertaining. One of those people, we shall call Shayne (because she looks like Kate Moaning, the actress who plays Shayne in The L Word....I kid you not!) I have always found Shayne curiously hot in the show so was not opposed when her look alike asked me out on a date.

About an hour before I was supposed to pick up Shayne she write me a text message saying that she has no money and was embarrassed. I told her it was no problem and I would pay for dinner after which we would share a bottle of wine at my apartment.

No money...... Shayne is broke..... I can handle that..
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In a distant place in my subconscious a small snowball is formed and placed on the top of a massive hill unbeknown to the rest of my mind also known as the consciousness that lies at the bottom of the hill. My consciousness set up in organized houses and streets, a network of order and laws. Everything in my world that made sense, everything I understood about myself lined the streets of the small town. A utopia.

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I drove to her house to pick her up.... "Where are you?" I asked her through the cell phone.

"I am outside.." she said.

"All I see is a fat man next to a white truck," I said looking around.

"That is me!" She yelled into the phone.

I prayed that the figure of what I thought was a man would walk in the other direction and a hot girl would emerge from the bushes laughing and joking "haha, got you!! You really thought that was me??!! Who do you think I am? I really had you going, that is my brother!"

I was not that lucky, my eyes watered when I realized this wasn't a joke. There was no Kate Moaning, girl of my dreams in the bushes ready to jump out and make fun of my gullibility, that indeed this person was my date.

My date is fat..... Fat Shayne....
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A strong wind blew in my subconscious. The snowball on the top of the hill in that distant place began to budge from its stand still position safely on top of the massive hill of what is unknown to me. The people of the small valley town in my head residing in the known world of my private universe cried out together in unison, "No!!"

"Now you all stop!!" The mayor of the small town yells out over a microphone. "Let's not be shallow!!"
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I will get to know her....Maybe Fat Shayne has a personality that will make her hot..
It happens right??

So we drove to Casa Rio and sat down at a booth. I enjoyed her company and sense of humor. She seemed really cool. She told me that she had gained all the weight after quitting Crystal Meth and was losing weight.

"I work out probably twelve hours a day and lose 22 pounds a weeks," she says trying her best to reassure me that her obesity was merely a phase. "I plan on joining the Navy in March in fact."

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"See she isn't so bad," the mayor of the town in my mind tells the residents over a loud speaker.

The residents exhale in relief and continue in their organized patterns of maintaining and improving the town of my mind now strung with christmas lights and snow men. A perfect little christmas paradise.

Meanwhile, in the gay mecca, a small suburb of my mind's town a group of homosexuals are putting up their christmas lights for they so love christmas, especially since the traditional christmas lights are representing the glorious rainbow colors. An array of fabulous making them a unique part of the town.
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I was satisfied with the excuse and reassured myself that if she was only thin she would be super hot. Her face was still unquestionably gorgeous, there was no doubt about that. I wondered to myself "Does she know how much she looks like my favorite character on the L Word?" I wondered if she got told that a lot.

After dinner Fat Shayne asked me if I would take her to CVC Pharmacy. I did not think this request odd so drove straight there.

I turned the car off and opened the door..

"Wait, there is no reason for us both to go in," Shayne said, "I will be right back."

While I waited in the car I wondered what she was doing, why the pharmacy. I waited only a few seconds and she came out...

With nothing but free samples of men's cologne.

"I like this cologne, and wanted you to have something to remember me by," she said spraying it all over my car.

I did not like the smell of men's cologne.

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The snowball on top of the hill above the town began to roll down the hill and within seconds it was twice as big as before... Velocity was on its side.

In the gay mecca of the town a woman asks her girlfriend, "What is that smell?"

"It smells like men's cologne," the girlfriend replies and holds her nose.

"Is that sexy to wear men's cologne if you are a lesbian?" the woman asks her girlfriend.

"It is suppose to trigger women's pheromones," the girlfriend puts up Holly and Berries on the street lights.

"I don't think its working!" the woman says in disgust, "just smells like a butch woman trying to be a man again."

"Makes me sick," the girlfriend says and plugs her nose tighter. "Make it go away."
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I had expected Fat Shayne to come out with tampons, excedrin, or roses perhaps a romantic gesture for a girl who has nothing besides her gorgeous face going for her.

That would have been better... more acceptable...

So the girl likes cologne.....I guess I will put up with it tonight.....

You have now entered the point of no return Fat Shayne... Friendville. A place where people go who have no chance in hell of ever being in a relationship with me.

I decided a drink was in order and drove to my apartment.

As we were walking from the parking lot something fell from the inside of Fat Shayne's pant leg down to her shoes. She quickly leaned over.

"What was that?" I asked highly suspicious that whatever was tucked in her pants was stolen from CVC Pharmacy, thus the reason why she did not desire my company in the store.

"My cigarettes," she answered and pulled out a white box of Cold and Flu Medicine. She quickly tucked them away into her pocket.

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The snowball was now half way down the hill, big enough to be seen by the townspeople and it was heading straight for the gay mecca of my mind. A massive snowball rolling right toward the organized suburb of my gay mind. They were doomed.

The people in the adjacent suburbs watched the news from the safety of their homes.

"A giant snowball is headed straight for the gay mecca," the news reporter said.

"Meanwhile a woman is about to violate our town's strict 'no smoking' policy." The male newsreporter looks over at the female newsreporter "Sharon has more to follow. Are you there Sharon"

"Yes, Tim. It seems that not only is the woman a smoker but she also does what is far worse, shop lifts," the woman walks toward the CVC Pharmacy, "now here is where it happened ten minutes ago at this pharmacy."

"Do we know what she stole?" Tim asks through the headphones to Sharon.

"We suspect that it may be cold medicine Tim," Sharon says pressing on her earpiece.
"Our on sight witnesses are testifying that yes, it is indeed cold medicine. Tell us what you saw ma'am."

"Well, we haven't had any shoplifting here since the year of our lord 1999," the old woman clutches onto her Bible, "I was shocked when I saw the box of medicine fall out from her pants. I was truly disappointed in such dishonesty."

"Well, there you have it." Tim announces, "more to follow about the avalanche moving toward the gay district."

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At my apartment we shared a bottle of wine and some laughs. Although fat and a shoplifter, the girl was funny. I enjoyed hearing her talk and tell stories. I thought for sure if anything Fat Shayne could become a friend.

Everything was going to be okay despite it all. I have nothing to lose and only a friendship to gain right?

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The people in the gay district of my mind's civilization started packing their bags. They were certain for disaster. They listened to the radio and news waiting for any news regarding the Estimated Time of Arrival of the avalanche.

The lesbians packed their U Hauls up as quickly as possible and the gay men gathered all their precious costumes, makeup and designer clothes.

Armageddon was coming.

Or was it??

"News flash!" said the gayest most flamboyant man in the gay mecca over a large podium over looking the main street, "the avalanche has hit a patch of pine trees and has ceased from moving toward our district!"

Everyone cheered.

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It wasn't till 2 am that she left my apartment. Although it was nothing I expected, I felt pleased with the night. A new friend to hang out with.

I went to bed at peace with my new found friend. Fat Shayne.

In the morning. I woke up not realizing that this date, although seemed okay in the end was actually a ticking time bomb ready to explode. She was gone, what possibly could have made this date the worst date ever you might be thinking.

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The avalanche was no longer a threat to the townspeople, they went along their gay way of life. Organized, everything as it should be.

Little did they know that during the avalanche fiasco an outsider has planted a ticking time bomb within the walls of the city at the Cher Memorial.

Ticking away..... Five minutes left and it would explode destroying all of the brilliant glimmer and streamers of a suburb that is simply too gay.

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I did my usual as I did every morning and grabbed my brush from under my sink...

To my surprise was two empty boxes of cold and flu medicine.

I could hear the ticking of the time bomb in my mind...

My date was trippin on cold medicine the whole time, two boxes worth. I was very angry!

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At this point a bomb squad has discovered the time bomb at Cher's Memorial.

"There is no time Sargent!" One squad member yells to his Sargent.

"Should we cut the red or blue wire?" the Sargent asks the other member clutching onto small wire cutting scissors.

"I don't know!" the squad member cries out while the entire gay community watches anxiously hoping it does not go off.

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"That is fine," I thought to myself, "I just won't see her again."

No harm, no foul, it wasn't like she was a close friend or anything. I thought of how someday this would make a good story to tell. Perhaps I would tell my next girlfriend when we are comparing our bad date experiences.

I laughed to myself finding it almost amusing that I had no idea she was high the entire time. for sure, my next girlfriend would laugh with me about this. Of course I would win the world's worst date story.

Of course right.......

I was fine, unaware that the timb bomb was still ticking. I walked in my living room and began to clean.

I keep a clean apartment, very clean.

'Cleanliness is next to Godliness," I thought to myself and proceeded to wipe off all the surfaces of my apartment with lysol wipes. I sang as I worked to the songs of my ipod, my favorite song by Alejandro Saenz.

'Someday I will have a girlfriend that can appreciate the romantic tunes of this spanish version of Frank Sinatra,' I hoped to myself as I proceeded to clean the surfaces of my end tables.

BLOODY TAMPON!!!!!

There sitting before me, on my favorite magazine no less, was a vile bloody tampon. In my living room!!

I cried out in rage!

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"Cut the green wire!" the Sargent told the squad member.

BAM!!!! The entire gay mecca of my mind was shattered into a million of pieces.

What used to be a well organized thought out peaceful place was in flames.

Women and men were screaming and crying in horror. Especially the gay men. "I told you all pussy was gross and you didn't listen!! Now look what happened!!!"

U Hauls were blown into unrecognizable pieces, cats and dogs ran to freedom with no collars. It was every lesbians nightmare.

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I have heard of people crying when they are happy and angry, but have never experienced angry tears.

I was hysterical. I could not fathomably control myself, I was so angry and overcome with emotion that I cried out. Tears fell to the ground. Angry tears.

I have never been this angry before.....

"It must of happened while I was in the bathroom," I said to myself trying to recall events of the night. I cried harder, my face red with rage.

I couldn't think of any excuses to give her. I tried so hard to come up with some plausible explanation as to why someone would not only pull her tampon out in my living room but think it would be okay to set it down on my end table only to be discovered in the morning, a vile miserable pathetic piece of decaying menstruation.

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"Maybe it fell out," said a teenage girl to her best friend as she walked along the edge of the gay district now up in flames.

"Have you ever had a tampon just fall out?" the girl asked her friend while leaning over to pick up a piece of one of the gay flags blown apart.

"Nope, but it can happen right?" The girl tried to come up with a reasonable doubt as she watched the district destroy before her eyes.

"No it cannot!" A police officer approaches the young girls, "it is clearly an act of terror and will not be tolerated! Now you two off to your homes where it is safe. And stay away from anybody who appears to be fat and gay no matter how nice and funny they are."

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It took me two days to recover from that horrible date. The thought of the tampon haunted my mind.

I was traumatized.... hopefully not forever but indeed traumatized.

I imagined the tampon growing arms and legs and walking around my apartment, contaminating everything it touches. Sitting on my couch, eating my popcorn, smelling up my safe haven.

I felt violated.

As for the gay mecca in my mind... It might recover.

I have heard of people having trauma in their childhood that caused them to be gay, molestations, mistreatment, rape etc. I wondered if this kind of trauma could change me.

Can Someone be scared straight?


I seriously doubt it but you never know, anyone else experiencing this may have.

I am too super gay for that though, get back on the horse.