K pushers and the stages of grief

April 25, 2009

"Well, I am going to bed," I said to my brother and sister in law before walking downstairs to the guest room that I am now calling home for a few weeks.

I grabbed some pajama bottoms off of the floor. I have been packing and moving for a week now so everything is on the floor in 'organized piles' that only make sense to me but to everyone else it may appear a bomb exploded in the room. Give me a break, I am moving.

I put on my pajamas and took off my bra Jennifer Beal style in that movie Flash Dance, unhooking the back and taking it out the sleeve. yes, yes, I know I have some skills. You should see me dance to the song 'Maniac' for my next trick.

I plugged in my phone to charge over night and set it on the night stand. I then did my usual routine of making a wall of pillows around me on either side. Don't ask me why, but since I have started sleeping completely alone I have formed this habit of making a fortress of every single pillow I have around me. Probably this odd routine was developed to help me sleep alone, especially after having someone right next to me for years and then suddenly being alone. For me its, hard to get used to sleeping next to someone. I usually don't deal well with it at first. I mean it is okay for the first hour or so, cuddling and being erotically close to that one person with whom all your affections lie. The only problem is usually I can't sleep that close to someone. Don't get me wrong I enjoy this, but as far as sleeping; there will be no sleep; at least until I get used to it. My next gf is going to have to tear down this blockade in order to get to me.

I layed down almost falling asleep, warm between the soft fluffiness of white pillows. The pillows began to fade and turn into clouds and I was drifting off into dream land until..............

BZZZZZZ my phone vibrates.....a text message probably. How irritating to get a text message when I am so comfortable in bed. I looked at it, knowing if I don't check it my cell will vibrate periodically all night long. I probably should put it on silent, but I don't because you never know what kind of emergency could happen and someone needs to get a hold of you.

"If you sass me one more time woman I am going to give you another beating." the text read.

It was the tail end of my text conversation with my gay friend Rob. Okay so he has a sick sense of humor, kind of like me. Although I probably wouldn't pretend to be a domestic abuser which he did. Especially when we lived in Monterey, California where Rob and I met (at the gay bar but that is another story). We would go to public places and he would say things like "If you gain one more pound its over." and "Don't make me hit you again." Okay so we were younger then we are now (it was 9 years ago). At least one of us kinda grew up.

"haha...goodnight Rob." I text back hoping he doesnt' say goodnight back like an hour later when I am fast asleep and awaked by the BZZZZZ. I hate when you are awakened by a loud vibrating sound, check the text and all it says is either "goodnight" or "okay" or "K". I think "K" is the worst text you can get because it is such a lazy way of saying "Okay". I become mildly irritated with just "okay" and moderately annoyed with "OK" but "K" with any text at any time of the day may cause me not to text that person again for weeks. So you can only imagine how irritated I get when I get a "K" in the middle of the night waking me up.

Luckily, Rob didn't text me again. and thankfully he is not one of those friends that sends "K" as a response. Those people are the "K" senders or "K" pushers. They are the worst kind of people. They push "K", not unlike like the drug dealers who cook Ketamine, an animal tranquilizer they buy over the counter from Mexico and sell it for ridulous amounts of money. Irrational, lazy people who dont' want to get a real job who profit from other people's misery. Okay, so its not as bad as that but if you are going to send me a "K" at least make it special. That was a really lame joke. Anyway, back to "K" senders. If it were up to me, these people would get sent to concentration camps, but not like in the hollocaust, instead of getting numbers tatooed to their skin they would have a cell phone attached to their belts and would be subject to text messages all day with random letters, meaningless (if you think about it that is what they are doing). BZZZZ "A" Additionaly we will be engaging them in activities that require a lot of thought, such a the Rubicks Cube, puzzles, crosswords, word searches and then randomly annoy them. BZZZZZ "Q". To break their concentration, like salt being added to their exposed frying brains. BZZZZZ "R" "Goddamnit!! I almost found the word!" one 'K sender" would yell. Hopefully programs as such would cure the society of such menaces.

I finally fell into a deep sleep. This is bliss. For at night, when I dream I learn alot about myself. I always have the most random dreams. Some silly, others serious. It all depends on what mood I am in when I go to bed. This night I was dreampt that I went back to my aunt's house for a visit.

"Hey aunt Chris!! Im here" I say walking in the house to which I have the key. In my dreams I always have the keys to people's houses. I think that my dream self has a universal key to everything. I never have problems opening doors, safes, windows, cars etc. Is there a psychologist in the house that can explain this to me?? At any rate, I am the key holder.

So I walk into the house and notice a foul cat urine smell that is so pugnent that I vomited all over the carpet. Cat urine is by far the worst smell in this world. I think that Susan Wessnehoffer (lesbian comedian) said it right when she suggested we use cats as a weapon in war. Just drop off a bunch of felines in the desert and let them use the sand as their personal litterbox. This would surely send a strong message to the terrorist to leave the United States alone.

In this dream, after I vomit I am surrounded by cats. hundreds of cats all within the four walls of my aunt's house. I start coughing and sneezing, apparentely I am allergic to cats in my dream.

and I have to pee really bad. I go into the bathroom and notice cats all around. I can't go number 1 with cats and kittens clawing all over my feet looking up at me.

I wake up from this disturbing dream with that same feeling of needing to void. I am all so comfortable between the sheets and pillows, all nestled up. I seriously dislike having to go the bathroom in the middle of the night. It is almost as annoying as the "K" response. (writers note: but not quite as annoying as needing to go number 1 while you are in the middle of writing a blog).

Whenever this happens to me I go through the grieving process. As you may know there are five stages.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

So when I first get the urge to void in the middle of the night I deny it. 'There is no way I really need to pee.' and 'I am sure that this feeling of needing to void is a false alarm.' Apparently when I am that tired needing 'to go' is similar to false labor for a pregnant person. 'Maybe if I just lie here for a bit, the feeling will subside.' (writers note: there is no way i need to go right now just as my blog is climaxing, perhaps it will dissipate in a few minutes.)

Then I get angry. I am laying in my bed comfortable, warm and I have my whole set up!! I am so mad because I know what getting up to go the bathroom entails. It means I have to get up, demolish my perfectly arranged pillow formation and I have nobody else to blame but myself!!! I am outraged at mysef for drinking that much water throughout the day. Why?? Who needs that much fluids in a day? (writers note: I can't believe I drank that whole soft drink knowing that I am embarking upon writing this blog!! What the hell was I thinking and why do I keep taking sips of it just as it sits here beside me? This is Bullshit!!)

FUCK!!!!!!! (Sorry, I'm trying to last till the end of this blog and the feeling keeps on getting worse, I am reminded of perserverence and endurance. If the marathon runners can run 25 miles I can hold it till the end of this blog!) Okay so maybe that is a little bit of the angry stage and the next stage I'm about to cover.

'I have to calm down a little bit,' I think to myself. 'There is always a solution.' I personatize (im not sure if that is a real word) my own bladder, that fickle irrational bitch waking me up so early in the morning.

"I need to go now!!" She screams at me.

"hold up hold up," I say in a rational tone, "how about we make a deal?"

"I need to go!" she screams again, "If you dont' get up within the next few minutes you will be sorry!"

"Don't you threaten me," I say back trying to keep my cool. I knew that in this kind of situation she always gets her way but I still try. "Tell, you what, give me half an hour and I will get up."

"No!!!" she throws me a punch in the gut and I am reminded of how bad she wants to get her way.

Now, at times when I am drunk these arguements are a little longer and I am a little bit more irrational then she is. I sometimes start weighing the pros and cons of letting myself just go right here and now. "It will be warm for a minute, then I can just roll over." But thankfully my Super Ego takes over and stops me from pulling such a regretable stunt. (writers note: If I can just last a few more minutes then I shall never drink this much fluid again).

After the bargaining stage comes the depression. It is situational depression. I become so sad that I have to get up. It is such a hassle. I feel that I am out of control. how come I cant' make these decisions for myself? If only we as a people, could decided when and where. Freedom is an illusion. (writers note: this is my body's way of reminding me that I am not superwoman, I am merely a mortal in this place and someday I shall cease to exist from this world.)

Finally after tossing and turning, I accept the fact that "Yes, I need to go and I will." I end up getting out of bed and succombing to the urgency of now.

Speaking of..... I better end this blog!!! (I am going to run off now!! hope you all understand!)