You are on Hell Date!

(I totally made this whole scenario up!)


For those of you who do not watch Hell Date on BET televison, let me explain. Hell Date is a dating show where one umsuspecting person is set up on a blind date with someone she/he thinks is going to be their dream boat, but the person he/she is being set up with is actually called a 'hell dater', an actor whose sole purpose is to make the date a living hell.

Now that this is explained, I can do one of two things, relate the worst date I have ever had or create a made up senario of what my hell date would be like.

I decided to base the creativity and insight on hell dates that I have had and mix it with some things that have never happened to me before but would be hellish.

An average looking girl who is somewhat attractive comes knocking at my door. "Hi my name is Sam, you must be Sarah."

"Yes, that is me." I shake her hand, "its great to meet you."

"And even greater to meet you," Sam replies, "I actually had a dream that I would meet you."

I laugh at the effort she is putting forth to be dreamy. She takes me by the hand and we get in the van taking us to our first destination. An art studio.

We go through the art studio looking at all of the paintings, and we come to one with two women in a tight embrace. Sam's eyes swell up with tears.

"What is wrong Sam?" I asked with a concerned tone.

"This picture reminds me of the love and commitment I had with my ex girlfriend." She says as she wipes tears.

"I can understand your sadness, it must be hard, how long has it been?" I ask trying to understand the situation.

"We broke up a week ago." She begins to cry "When I think about it, it becomes more real."

"Well there is a saying, it will either take half the time you are together or twice the amount of time you were together to get over it." I say matter of factly.

"So it should only take two weeks to get over her then?" Sam says.

"You were together for a month?!" I asked shocked and astonished with the tears she so willlingly shed over someone she has only been with a short time.

"No we were only together a week." Sam counts the days on her fingers.

"A week?" I say with some annoyance in my voice.

"Yeah, you said it would take either half the time or twice the amount of time, and since i didn't get over it in 3 and a half days it must be two weeks right?" Sam says confused completely oblivious that I think she is a freak for being so sad over a week long 'fling'.

"Yes, you got the math right." I say with a sarcastic tone.

I take her by the hand with the camera crew behind me filming our every move, I want the date to be over but I don't want to humiliate this pathetic woman on cable television. We get into the van.

"You gave me a look in there," Sam says angrily as she fastens her seat belt.

I began to laugh "What look?"

"The look like you think I am stupid or something."

"No, no. no, I don't think you are stupid." I wanted to tell her how pathetic she was, but it wasn't my problem.

"Well if this is going to work you are going to have to stop looking at me like that." Sam crosses her arms.

I don't respond as we get out of the van and enter the finest dining restaurant in the city. We are led to a private table by the waitor. The table is lit by candle light, we sit down.

Sam does nothing but stare at me while I look over the menu, secretly trying to milk this horrible date for everything it has. If I can't have my dream date, I can at least have a dream meal. She looks at me with a dreamy wondering look, almost as if she was planning our whole lives together. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

"So do you feel the connection here." She says with a smile shadowed with insecurity and marinated with neediness. "Do you see a future with us?"

"I think its a little too soon to be talking like that." I say politely.

"Yeah, but I have only known you a few hours and I feel like I have known you my whole life and I know you feel the same way."

"So what will you be having?" I ask trying to change the subject.

"You are ignoring the question," Sam says with a frustrated tone. "Listen, relationships are like breakfast, you are either ham or eggs! The hen who layed the egg is merely involved in the breakfast but the Pig is commited. So before we go any further I need to know, are you ham or eggs?"

"It depends on how I feel." I say.

"You are the eggs!" She screams "I know your type, you are a chicken!"

I look at the waitor who has a sympathetic look for my current suffereing "Speaking of chicken, I will have the chicken alfredo pasta with white wine."

"I guess I will have the pork chops." she says to the waitor trying to be clever and looks over at me, "because I am commited."

"I don't think this will work Sam," I say nicely trying to be straight with her, "I just don't think we are right for one another."

"It is because you are still in love with your ex gf isn't it?" She asks with tears welling up in her eyes.

"You know what, you are right, I am madely in love with my ex girlfriend." I say trying to say anything that will scare her away from me. "Infact I am going to call her right now to pick me up, I am that in love with her." I start to dial the number to my brother to pick me up from this disaster.

then the little midget dressed up as a little red devil comes out and yells "You are on Hell Date!"

We both laugh, along with all of the people watching in the restaurant. Unfortunately not all 'hell dates' end that way.